Finding My First Love

Zealous For Yeshua

When I first came to faith I was 9 years old. Natalie, a childhood friend, shared about Yeshua with my sister Teri, and as a nosey little sister I was all ears.

She described God’s holiness and that our sin separates us from God. She said the punishment of our sin is death and that Yeshua took the punishment for us.

My unembellished response was, “I believe that.” It seemed logical enough.

Natalie told Teri that in order to be saved from the punishment she needed to believe with her heart and confess with her mouth that Yeshua is Lord, stop sinning and be baptised.

“God will then give you mercy to live with Him,” she said.

I thought in my heart, “Ok.” It seemed like an easy enough way to get out of the punishment.

And I liked what I was hearing about God and wanted to be closer to Him.

Moma and Daddy felt the weightiness of such a decision and wanted me to wait until I was older to decide.

The Lord used my strong-willed nature and made my little heart zealous to accept and follow this One Who took my punishment.

A childlike faith erupted in me that made me hang on to what even I as a child knew to be true.

My parents’ decision for me to wait only solidified my beliefs and increased my desire to follow Yeshua.

For a year I stubbornly continued to tell my parents that I want to give my life to God and follow Yeshua. A year of pleading was evidence to them that I was serious and not going to let this go.

April 1, 1984, nine days before my 10th birthday, I was allowed to give my life to Yeshua.

My Heavenly Abba

A month later in May, Moma and Daddy called Teri and me to the kitchen in our country home. They told us that Daddy was moving out and that soon they would be divorcing.

It is impossible to express with the written word the love and emotional bond that Daddy and I have. My little heart was shattered that he would no longer be at home.

I remember sitting on my bed and understanding that God had foresight that Daddy’s move and the divorce were coming.

It was God Who had been pursuing me because He knew my world was about to change. For a year He intentionally set His heart on making me His.

With compassion and tears He drew near to me as a 10 year old little girl who felt a deep sense of loss in her life. That night on my bed God became my heavenly Abba.

Healer of My Broken Heart

After several heartbreaks, broken promises and tragedies, at 21 years old I found myself in a hidden depression.

If you were to ask others from that time in my life, they most likely would not have known. I was succeeding in nursing school, and as a dancer I had been trained to perform.

The show must go on.

As a bulimic youth and college minister, I taught about following God while a war raged on inside of me that I was failing to conquer.

When the doors to my room were closed, tears would automatically begin.

After opening up to Linda, my friend’s mother, she asked me to go with her to a conference.

Sitting in the car in the conference parking lot with my friend Missy I confided in her, “I feel like God is mad at me all the time. I know that bulimia is wrong, but I can’t seem to stop.”

Missy was aware of the tragedies, broken promises and ultimately my broken heart.

She responded with wise words that I yearned to hear and, yet, wrestled to believe, “God is not mad at you. He loves you, and He is going to heal your heart.”

Holy Spirit

The woman leading us in worship appeared as if Yeshua were standing right in front of her. I told Linda, “If I could have that with the Lord, then I know I could live.”

She responded, “‘That’ comes with the baptism of the Spirit.”

To be completely honest, I rolled my eyes inside. The “baptism of the Spirit” was not what I was looking for.

The people who proclaimed they had been “baptised by the Spirit” appeared unquestionably bizarre to me.

I merely wanted the intimacy with Yeshua that I perceived the worship leader was experiencing.

As I walked down the aisle with trepidation, I prayed, “God, protect me from the demons in here. Protect me God. Protect me God.”

People were being prayed for, and they would fall over. It really freaked me out.

Nevertheless, as I gazed upon the worship leader interacting with God, I longed for the discernable intimacy she had with the Lord.

Keeping my head down, I petitioned for God’s mercy as I walked into the space near the stage.

A God in Love

In all the worship services I have ever attended, something out of character and amazing happened.

The worship leader set down her microphone, came off the stage and made a straight line toward me. She introduced herself as Lily, and asked me what I wanted prayer for.

I told her that I wanted the baptism of the Spirit.

As she began to pray, I sensed the same presence of God that I usually felt in worship but only stronger.

The magnitude of God’s Presence literally brought me to my knees and then I was lying on the floor.

I began to weep deeply and bitterly in public nonetheless. At the time I honestly did not care that this side of me that I had kept in the dark was now being observed by others.

The cry was a groan deeper than I had experienced in my room.

I told Lily, “I don’t know why I’m crying.” She reassured me and said that it is the Holy Spirit going deep and that He wanted to heal me.

Someone lifted my hair off of my ear and whispered, “The Lord says that you are the Rose of Sharon and that He wants you to read the Song of Solomon.”

That night on my bed I read the Song of Songs and was in awe. My head swirled and then clarity came.

“So, You are not a God Who just wants me to be good all the time but You are actually a God in love.”

Fellowship with the Indwelling Spirit

Romans 8:11

“But if the Spirit of Him who raised Yeshua from the dead dwells in you, He who raised the Messiah from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.”

The Spirit of God dwells on the inside of all who believe in Yeshua, and this internal Companion is awakening us to an awareness of Him. He is drawing believers into an internal dialogue with Him.

The Holy Spirit Who lives within is waiting for any who are willing to give themselves to engage in conversation with Him. It is so simple and yet so profound. He simply wants us to talk to Him.

The way into the pleasures of His presence is simple, and, yet, the way will be complicated for hearts that have not yet decided to be fully given over to Him. 

First, I will address why finding His Spirit within can be complicated. The Great Lover of our souls looks down from Heaven searching for hearts who desire to be with Him where He is. 

“The LORD looks down from heaven upon the children of men, To see if there are any who understand, who seek God.” Psalm 14:2

He calls out to the precious souls who have not yet resolved if they want to give up all to Him. He wants fellowship with you and longs for you to want Him in return.

If you choose to give yourself to Him, know that our God is a jealous God Who likens Himself to a husband. (Isaiah 54:5) He will not share you with another. His greatest commandment is that we love Him with the totality of who we are.

Yeshua answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:29-31

God has placed His Spirit inside our human frame like an “engagement ring.” God, the Lover of our Souls, has sealed us for Himself. In God’s zeal He says, “I am yours and you are Mine.”

“…God, who also has sealed us and given us the Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.” (II Corinthians 1:21-22)

A heart that wavers back and forth complicates the path that leads to fellowship with His Indwelling Presence. A resistant heart is like a crooked path that leaves a soul wandering aimlessly for His Presence. 

The road into fellowship with the Holy Spirit is a straight and narrow road, and this road is found by simply turning or returning to God as our first love. (Revelation 2:1-7)

When our hearts are pushing on God’s boundaries by walking “on the edges,” we begin slipping away from God. Hearts like these inwardly debate, “How far can I go toward sin and still not sin?” If you are internally asking a question like this, turn.

The Lord is seeking those whose desire is to see how far away from sin they can go. The heart in love says, “How close can this frail human be to You? How much can I give of myself? How far will you let me go into love?”

One heart desires to move as close as possible to sin without the torment of the pains of death. The other heart desires to move as close as possible to Elohim. The Lord sees within us and discerns the truth of who we are.

Asaph’s Response

Like I have already mentioned, the way into His Presence is simple for the undivided heart. 

Asaph in Psalm 73 is a wholehearted lover of God who is set to worship God and not compromise. When Asaph’s heart fails him, God strengthens his heart to return to his first love.

Asaph’s journey is an inspiration of how to set our hearts when we stumble and fall. 

For 20 years I have repeated Asaph’s words when I face my weak heart and foolish internal dialogue. Asaph came face to face with his own weaknesses. Though his heart is set to love God wholeheartedly, he became envious of the prosperity of the wicked and spoke out of turn. 

It is his response to his weakness that is astoundingly inspirational. He is clearly aware of his weakness and clearly aware of God’s unwavering presence. 

God does not leave him or forsake him. Elohim’s abiding Presence causes desire to erupt from Asaph. Because God continued to want Asaph, Asaph responds with an astonishing statement, “The is NONE upon the earth that I desire besides You.” 

Psalm 73:21-26, “Thus my heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind. I was so foolish and ignorant; I was like a beast before You.” 

“Nevertheless I am continually with You; You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.”

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Reap What You Sow

You can “burn out” on spiritual activities (i.e. prayer, fasting, Bible study, worship, services, ministering to others) if you are not fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit during these activities. Touching the Holy Spirit is the point these exercises, yet, many times we simply go through the motions for the sake of “being good.”

It is so simple, yet, so many times many of us forget this simple step of making conversation with the Holy Spirit as we are reading our Bibles, worshipping, praying, or ministering.

We will walk in the Spirit to the degree that we talk to the Holy Spirit. Speaking with the Holy Spirit releases within us a vibrant relationship with Him. 

This principle remains true: we will not walk in the Spirit more than we talk to the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will not love me less if I do not speak with Him; however, I will not be empowered by Him to walk in the Spirit if I do not talk to Him.

God will not be mocked. If you sow to the flesh you will reap corruption. If you sow to the Spirit you will experience life that is vibrant with the Spirit of God.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. Galatians 6:7

 But this I say: He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.  So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver.  And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work. II Corinthians 9:6-8

My Story

In the year 2000, sitting in the back of the prayer room on the floor against the wall I read about how others communed with the Indwelling God. The books I read taught on praying to the Spirit who is flowing from your belly like rivers of living water. (John 7:38)

Jeanne Guyon, St. Theresa of Avila, and others testified of their experience with the Indwelling Spirit. As I read their stories a holy jealousy gripped me and I said to myself, “Why not me?” 

With a set heart, I sought God to experience communion with the Spirit of Elohim Who lives inside of me. 

I told the Lord that I would fast, pray and focus on His Spirit in my belly until I began to feel His Presence inside of me. After 3 days of fasting and prayer, I felt Him inside me. 

The best way I can describe the sensation of His Indwelling Presence is to liken Him to the sense of His Presence that comes upon you during an anointed worship service. 

One sense of His Presence is around you or upon you, and the other sense of His Presence is inside of you. Just as you can feel His Presence in the room with varying degrees of strength, the same is true for the Indwelling Presence of God. 

Theresa of Avila poetically describes the journey we take into union with God.. She describes how we are given the “first water” and then are given the “second water” of His Presence after we have embraced humility, prayer, fasting and perseverance in the practice of spiritual exercises.

Saying “Hi”

The Indwelling Presence is like a magnet. We are naturally drawn to Him because we were created for communion with Him. 

In my 20’s I began my journey of seeking union with Elohim. I was compelled to teach others how to fellowship with the Indwelling Holy Spirit. 

My friend Tara has a testimony that is by far my favorite story about fellowship with the Indwelling Spirit. After telling Tara about what I had learned and what I was experiencing with the Indwelling Holy Spirit, she felt a holy jealousy and wanted to experience the Presence of the Holy Spirit within her, too.

Tara sat on her bed and after waiting on God for only 45 minutes the Holy Spirit within made His Presence known. She did not know what to say to Him, so she said, “Hi.” With a smile and light laughter she said that she waited a little longer and still didn’t know what to say to the Spirit. Tickled she said to me, “So I said it to Holy Spirit again, ‘Hi.’”  

The Beginning of Communion

The beginning of communion with the Indwelling Spirit is belief in Yeshua as the Son of God Who gave His body and His blood for us as a sacrifice for our sins. 

We come to Yeshua knowing that we have sinned and have fallen short of God’s glory. Because of the great kindness and passionate love of God we have been granted mercy, forgiveness for our sins, healing and deliverance from our bondages.

Before you are able to pray to the Indwelling Spirit, He must first live within you. When you believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Yeshua is Lord and when you turn from your sinful ways, then Yeshua will place His beautiful Spirit within you.

Holy Imagination

Since our mind operates in pictures, we picture the Scriptures in order to gain a deeper and stronger revelation and understanding of God. 

For example, when Yeshua told the a parable like the story of the father running after the prodigal son when he came home, immediately imagination ignites the minds of all who heard and hear the story. 

We can just imagine the scene. The father dropping everything and running to the father with tears streaming from his eyes and love welling up and exploding from the father’s heart. 

We imagine the humbled son filthy and smelling like pigs falling at his feet in full repentance. He is greatly ashamed that he wasted his father’s money and his inheritance. The father pulls him up before he can fall on his knees in shame and he embraces him with all his strength and begins laughing with tears and praising God and crying, “My son who was dead is now alive!!” 

Through holy imagination Yeshua reaches the emotions, hearts and minds of the hearers of the Word. Yeshua uses holy imagination to deliver our minds by replacing our dark and vain imagination with a holy imagination. He captures our attention, washes us with the water of the Word and redeems our heart, soul, mind and strength.

To use holy imagination in relation to communing with the Indwelling Spirit of Yeshua, simply close your eyes and imagine the Indwelling Spirit as He is described in the Scriptures. 

The Holy Spirit is described in the Scriptures as being within you, in your belly area. The Holy Spirit appears in the scripture as fire, light or water. Use your holy imagination and envision Him within you as fire, light, or water.

“Seven lamps of fire were burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God. Revelation 4:5

“Love is as strong as death; its jealousy unyielding as the grave. Love’s flames are vehement flames of fire, the very flame of Yah. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.” Song of Songs 8:6-7

“The Lord is my light.” Psalm 27:1

“‘He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’ But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive; for the Holy Spirit was not yet given, because Yeshua was not yet glorified.” John 7:38-39

“But whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life,” Yeshua. John 4:14

“…the mystery which has been hidden from ages and from generations, but now has been revealed to His saints. To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is the Anointed Messiah in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:26-27

How To Commune with the Indwelling Spirit

Dial Down

There are several practical approaches to take when interacting with the Indwelling Spirit. In each approach “dial down” and calm and quieten your soul as you begin to pray. If possible remove yourself from others the way that Yeshua removed Himself from others and sought remote places to pray.

“Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed.” Mark 1:35

Times in the secret place with the Lord are irreplaceable as is time with God in public places. Practicing God’s Presence in public places is just as crucial as time alone communing with the Indwelling Spirit in hidden away places. 

“I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the One my heart loves. …I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go…” Song of Solomon 3:2&4

Madam Jeanne Guyon, one my favorite authors on fellowshipping with the Indwelling Spirit, wrote in The Short and Easy Method of Prayer (1685), “Prayer alone can bring you into His presence and keep you there continually." 

With prayer and fasting, if we will diligently seek God’s Glorious Presence Who dwells within us, in time He will grace us with a continual sense of His Presence. This is the place of Union with Elohim and intimacy with a holy God. This is what we seek.

Guyon wrote in one of her poems: "There was a period when I chose a time and place for prayer. ... But now I seek that constant prayer, in inward stillness known ..."

Seek the Indwelling Spirit in private. Seek Him in public. Increase the conversation with Him by speaking slowly and using short phrases. 

Distractions

Everyone gets distracted. As the mind begins to wander, use the Scripture to bring yourself back to being mindful of the Indwelling Spirit. You may need to draw your mind back to the Holy Spirit several times.

Do not be discouraged. Just continue to use the Scripture to draw your mind back to the One Who dwells within you.

For my frame I have found it helpful to sit up straight instead of lying down in a soaking position.

4 Approaches

Like I mentioned previously, there are several approaches to fellowship with the Indwelling Spirit. Here are four approaches to the Indwelling Spirit when contemplating or steadying your mind with a Scripture. 

Four approaches to the Indwelling Spirit are to: 1) seek revelation of the Scripture; 2) just be with Him; 3) watch a movie; 4) pray in the Spirit.

1) Seek Revelation of the Scripture

• The goal is to understand the Scripture with revelation.

Choose a Scripture to contemplate, In very small portions read the passage three times slowly and silently. Pray-read the scripture audibly, but softly, if you are in a group setting or if it helps you to focus. 

* We read the passage three times slowly to help us hear every word and take in what He is saying. Feast on every word as you read. Our goal is to go deep, not necessarily long. 

Give your attention to the Indwelling Spirit, the One Who lives within you, your internal Companion. Focus your mind on Him being inside of you. 

Wait in silence or with soft music until the Holy Spirit speaks revelation to you by giving you thoughts in your mind that are from Him.

Write down the revelation you receive or speak it softly into a voice recorder. Move to the next portion of scripture after 5-60 minutes.

For example:

• Choose the Lord’s Prayer. 

• Direct your prayer toward the Indwelling Spirit inside of you as you pray-read slowly and in silence three times, “Our Father Who art in Heaven.” 

• Wait on the Holy Spirit in silence or with soft music. 

• When the Indwelling Spirit gives you revelation, write it down or softly speak it into voice recorder as to cherish and not forget what the Spirit is saying.

• After 5-60 minutes pray-read three times, “Hallowed be Your name.” Wait. Write or record the revelations. After 5-60 minutes move on to the next few words in the Scripture.

2) Just Be With Him

• The goal is to sense the Holy Spirit’s Presence within you and enjoy basking in Him.

Choose a verse. Pray-read the verse three times slowly and silently to the Indwelling Spirit. Use this Scripture to escort you into the Spirit’s Presence. 

When you sense the ebb and flow of His Presence, quietly whisper or say internally the verse you chose until you sense His Presence again.

When you get distracted and your mind begins to wander away from the Indwelling Spirit, use the Scripture you chose to draw your mind back to the Spirit. 

Excellent Scriptures to choose that help capture and recapture your mind are Romans 8:11, Revelation 4:5, Song of Songs 8:6-7, Psalm 27:1, John 7:38-39,  John 4:14, and Colossians 1:26-27. 

When your focus returns to the Presence of God within you, allow God to infuse you with His Presence and become saturated with Him. There is no greater pleasure than being near Him and tasting His goodness. Oh the pleasures of His Presence!

“In Your Presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore,” .Psalm 16:11

For example:

• Choose John 7:38, “…out of his belly will flow rivers of living water.”

• Direct your prayer toward the Indwelling Spirit inside of you as you pray-read slowly and in silence three times, “…flow rivers of living water.” 

• Wait on the Holy Spirit in silence or with soft music. 

• When His Presence comes, enjoy. 

• Whisper the verse when you sense a decrease in His Presence. 

3) Watch a Movie

• The goal is to see a Biblical story in your mind’s eye and let it play like a movie in your imagination. We are seeking the Indwelling Spirit to understand the storyline and feel the characters’ emotions. 

Choose a story that is no longer than 20 verses. Read the story 3 times silently. Pray-read the scriptures audibly and with emotion if you are with others or if it helps you to focus.

Wait on the “movie” to play in your mind. The Holy Spirit will give you insight and reveal mysteries. You may find yourself playing a character and experiencing his or her emotion, heart and mind.

If you are in a group, discern how long the people are accustomed to praying. Some groups need interaction after 5 minutes of waiting on the Spirit. Other groups can wait on the Spirit for hours. 

When “Watching a Movie” in your mind’s eye as I have described, I recommend waiting on the Spirit between 5 minutes to 2 hours, depending on the prayer group. 

It is good to debrief in order to gain the insight that was given to others. Everyone sees in part. It’s good to hear others experiences and let the Holy Spirit instruct you through them.

“For we know in part and we prophesy in part…” I Corinthians 13:9

For example:

• Choose Luke 10:38-42

• Direct your prayer toward the Indwelling Spirit inside of you as you pray-read slowly and in silence three times. If you are in a group, read out-loud.

• Wait on the Holy Spirit in silence or with soft music

• Wait on the “movie” to play in your mind.

• Contemplate 5 minutes to 2 hours

• Discuss and record what was seen

4) Pray in the Spirit

The apostle Paul said that he prayed in the Spirit more than his companions. Paul instructs us to pray always in the Spirit. The Holy Spirit is our source.

The more our faith grows in the knowledge that the Holy Spirit is our source for life, the more we will pray in the Spirit,

By praying in the Spirit: we are edified; we make intercession; we are empowered; we find peace; we have faith; we persevere; we love; we have joy; we are healed; we find union with a Holy God.

Everything good and holy in our lives comes from the Holy Spirit.

Through the Spirit you will find and give love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. Do you need any of these? Are you weary or sick?

Pray in the Spirit audibly or inaudibly.

Through the Spirit gifts are dispersed among us. One receives words of wisdom, another a word of knowledge, still another faith.

The Holy Spirit gives gifts of healing, working of miracles, prophecy, discerning of spirits, different kinds of tongues, and the interpretation of tongues. (I Corinthians 12)

"Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.” Ephesians 6:18

“But you, beloved, build up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost…” Jude 1:20

“Likewise the Spirit also helps our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26-27

 “What is it then? I will pray with the Spirit, and I will pray with the understanding also: I will sing with the Spirit, and I will sing with the understanding also.” I Corinthians 14:15

For example:

• Choose times in your day to pray in the Spirit

• Focus on the Indwelling Spirit; pray to the One Who is flowing from your belly

• Pray audibly or inaudibly

Practicing His Presence

5 Phrases

Mike Bickle has a series on Fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit that I highly recommend. In this series he taught me a few phrases that I have found helpful in speaking with the Indwelling Spirit throughout the day. 

Below are five phrases that are a reflection of Mike’s phrases. Speak them slowly as you focus your mind on the Indwelling Spirit that flows from your belly. (John 7:37-39)

1. Thank you for Your bright Presence in me. (Wait a few seconds.)

2. Teach me Your thoughts. (Wait.)

3. Lead me in my words and into divine appointments. (Wait.)

4. Anoint me to bless people today with impressions and phrases. (Wait a few seconds.) Anoint me to heal and deliver. (Wait.) Anoint me to prophesy, preach, and write.

5. Strengthen me with love. (Wait.) Thank you for love in my spirit. (Wait.) Thank You for Your indestructible Presence in my life,

One more phrase that I thoroughly enjoy speaking to the Holy Spirit is, “I love you Holy Spirit. I love you so much.” This phrase is the one that moves my heart most deeply.

Prayer

Holy Spirit I acknowledge Your Presence and the truth that You live on the inside of us who believe in Yeshua. Shalom beautiful Spirit of God. Make me ever mindful of You.

At times I sense Your Presence within me and You bear witness of the truths that are written about You. Glorious Spirit, You are like an engagement ring, bearing witness of my covenant with Elohim. 

You have kissed this body that was dead in my sins and You have renewed me as one who will live eternally with You. Oh to be evermore in Your glorious Presence my Lord! 

You are here, Immanuel, God with us, dwelling in the midst of us. You never leave us or forsake us. Spirit of Yeshua, I abide in You.

Seeing Beauty During Surgery

The 8th Surgery

After seven brain and facial surgeries on my trigeminal nerve, I still had not yet experienced freedom from the sensations of electricity, burning and muscle spasms on the left side of my face.

For 11 years this chronic pain (trigeminal neuralgia) had inflicted me. Simple things like the rain, wind, lack of sleep, singing, touch, laughing, crying, etc. would trigger an attack. Sometimes attacks began for no reason at all.

The outer lining (the myelin sheath) of my trigeminal nerve had been damaged by surrounding blood vessels and an artery.

(For those unfamiliar with the anatomy, the trigeminal nerve originates in the brain stem and wraps over the ear and into the face with 3 primary branches and countless small branches.

In medicine it is known as the suicide disease and is considered one of the most painful diseases.)

The varying degrees of pain had been continual and were at times crippling me to extended periods in bed. To end the torment, I reluctantly agreed to an eighth surgery.

To my surprise, I needed to be awake for the surgery.

This eighth surgery was a second attempt at cutting the trigeminal nerve branches. The surgeon threaded a long needle through my face and cheek and into the 3 primary nerve branches of the trigeminal nerve.

To end the facial pain, the needle was used to pinpoint live nerve strands and crush them. Surges of torturous electricity were felt before the surgeon crushed the nerve strands.

Desperate to escape the pain, my silent cries ascended to God. I begged God to get me out of my body.

His Endearing Eyes and Smile

In my mind’s eye I saw a vision of Yeshua on a throne. He had an endearing smile and a happy countenance which drew my focus onto His face instead of the pain.

As He looked at me I understood that I am the reason He is smiling.

I am the joy set before Him. His palpable desire for me caused my inner man to know that His delight was and is in me.

The allurement of His clear eyes kept my focus and compelled me to fix my eyes on His undeviating gaze.

Enticing and captivating me, He caught me up in His Presence which surrounded me as I laid awake on the surgery table.

The attraction of His magnetic eyes drew my attention away from the pain. He settled my soul and changed an overwhelming anxiety into an incomprehensible quietness of soul that enabled me to see and hear Him.

He gave me a peace that surpassed understanding.

Trusting His Authority

Somehow He was communicating verbally to me but without speaking or moving His lips. I know this sounds strange, but by looking at Him, He would let me perceive His thoughts.

I knew He wanted me to read what was written on the right sleeve of His robe. On His right arm was written, “King of Kings.”

After reading His arm, the revelation of His authority over me strengthened my spirit and gave me peace. He was in control of my life, the nations and all the burdens I had been carrying in intercession, particularly my burden for Jerusalem.

As I uttered in my spirit, “I trust You,” a heaviness was removed as I cast my cares upon Him.

You Are Good

With tears streaming from my eyes, three words arose within me. I groaned from a depth inside that I had not known before, and I silently exclaimed, “You are good. You are good. You are good!”

I was making intercession by sounding the eternal battle cry, “For the Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.”

Deep was crying out to deep as His waves and billows were crashing over me. Even though I could not comprehend why God was waiting to end the pain, from the depths of me all I could say was, “You are good. You are good. You are good!”

My spirit fought and refused to declare anything less than the truth of Who He is.

He is good.

Surrender To His Crown

With His eyes He then drew me to look at His crown. Distracted by the surgeon crushing my nerve, I lost my focus.

Yeshua allured me to Himself again and kept my attention on Him by having me look at His crown and His smiling face. When I looked at His crown I knew He was in control and had authority over my situation.

Yeshua knew I was on the surgery table and the amount of pain I was in. He was more than capable of delivering me from the pain. My spirit responded to Him, “If You are ok with this [the surgery], then I’m ok with it, too.”

I felt my shoulders relax and drop in total surrender.

He then approached me as I was lying on the surgery table. He was in the appearance of a man dressed in clothes like we would wear; He was without a robe and the heavenly glory as before. He embraced me, and I felt safe within the arms of my Beloved God.

He began to stroke my hair and show His compassion for me. He was my Psalm 23 good Shepherd Who causes me to lie down in green pastures and beside still waters.

With His kindness He was restoring my soul. His compassions did not conjure up feelings of self-pity within me; I only felt loved.

Laughing God

Yeshua then began laughing so much so that He threw His head backward with laughter.

I could not believe He was laughing while I was having surgery. In my spirit I said to Him, “If I were in Your shoes, I would not be laughing.”

I expected Him to hold my hand and weep with me, and here He was laughing hysterically. But the more He laughed the more I became giddy inside.

He was catching me up in His joyful smile, keeping my attention, and causing the heaviness and despair to lift from me.

I wondered if my surgeon could see a smile on my face.

Faithful to Allure Me

The top branch of the nerve was particularly painful. I felt shocks of electricity on my forehead, my eyelid, and down my nose. The progression of the surgery was easily felt throughout the surgery.

At times the pain or the doctors’ conversations distracted me from the vision of Yeshua, but each time I became distracted, Yeshua faithfully allured me back to Himself with His eyes.

As soon as my eyes would lock eyes with His again, I would again know all is ok.

It was not always easy to get my attention or calm me, but He fought for my attention over and over again. He never failed to return me to serenity of spirit.

It was like He was grabbing my chin and turning my eyes back to Him so that I was not thinking about the surgeon’s conversations or the pain.

Glorious Father

Yeshua then took me by the arm and escorted me back to the throne room, but this time He was my escort to the Father.

Tears began falling as I beheld the Father, my Abba, in all His glory. He appeared as the brightest, clearest, most brilliant light.

Abba’s Being was like a churning cloud of sparkling, liquid gold Who remained seated on His throne. I knew the movement of this cloud meant that He was ever creating.

He is radiant, magnificent, and shining brighter than the sun. He is the true essence of beauty and glory. He is transcendent, preeminent, magnificent, divine.

He is The Sublime Being that is excelling the higher than what is possible to imagine. There is none like Him.

Sparkling Diamond

Seeing Him, I was surprisingly unafraid. I naturally postured my heart as “Daddy’s girl” and saw Him through the eyes of a child. “Sparkles” were all over Him; the little girl inside of me loved His sparkles.

He was like jasper diamonds that sparkled all over. It looked like He was the diamond, reflecting rainbows of color from His being. He was remarkably beautiful and strikingly bright.

Like A Child

With the joy and confidence of a secure child my spirit said, “Can I see the sardius stones and the emerald rainbow?” Suddenly fire lit up around His throne.

My spirit said, “It’s like in the book of Daniel!” [In the book of Daniel His throne is pictured as a throne on fire with a river of fire flowing forth from it.]

I thought of Song of Songs 8:6-7, “It [Love] burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.“

In my heart I was clapping at the magnificent display of His glory. I began to sing the chorus of New Life Worship’s song “Here in Your Presence” over and over again, “Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way.”

Lamb of God

Yeshua then caught my eye. He was on the throne at the right hand of the Father, except now all His muscles were exposed and torn. “His appearance was marred more than any man, and His form more than the sons of men.” Isaiah 52:14

I began singing a second chorus, “Worthy is the Lamb.” Somehow I was singing two choruses at the same time, “Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way” and “Worthy is the Lamb.”

I wondered in amazement at the newfound ability of singing two songs at the same time.

As I gazed on Yeshua’s torn body my spirit said, “You WERE marred more than any man and by Your stripes I AM healed.” At the sight of Him, a tangible faith for healing arose in me.

A scripture came to mind, “Let us therefore come boldly before the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace in an hour of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

The throne was before me. It only made sense to come boldly before Him and ask for what I needed.

As I stood before the Father’s throne, I had a supernatural faith, a “knowing full-well” that healing would be given.

My spirit said, “My God, I come boldly before Your throne of grace to obtain mercy and find grace in an hour of need, and I ask You, ‘Heal my body!’”

Comfort My People

Then Yeshua stood before me in regular clothes and for the first time He spoke audibly to me as He held my hands, “Comfort, comfort My people.”

In every way that I had been comforted by Him I was now commissioned to comfort others.

After this the surgeon tells me that the surgery is over. Yeshua had carried me through the whole surgery. Coming out of the surgery room, my friends came to me and said they prayed Yeshua would sustain me by appearing to me during the surgery.

I Will Heal You

A Jewish sister in Jerusalem sent me the scripture, “I have heard your prayer and I have seen your tears. Surely I will heal you.” II Kings 20:5

He heard my prayer when I came boldly before His throne. Since the 8th surgery, I rarely feel electricity in my face. I am significantly improved and, yet, waiting for the fullness.