Seeing Beauty During Surgery

The 8th Surgery

After seven brain and facial surgeries on my trigeminal nerve, I still had not yet experienced freedom from the sensations of electricity, burning and muscle spasms on the left side of my face.

For 11 years this chronic pain (trigeminal neuralgia) had inflicted me. Simple things like the rain, wind, lack of sleep, singing, touch, laughing, crying, etc. would trigger an attack. Sometimes attacks began for no reason at all.

The outer lining (the myelin sheath) of my trigeminal nerve had been damaged by surrounding blood vessels and an artery.

(For those unfamiliar with the anatomy, the trigeminal nerve originates in the brain stem and wraps over the ear and into the face with 3 primary branches and countless small branches.

In medicine it is known as the suicide disease and is considered one of the most painful diseases.)

The varying degrees of pain had been continual and were at times crippling me to extended periods in bed. To end the torment, I reluctantly agreed to an eighth surgery.

To my surprise, I needed to be awake for the surgery.

This eighth surgery was a second attempt at cutting the trigeminal nerve branches. The surgeon threaded a long needle through my face and cheek and into the 3 primary nerve branches of the trigeminal nerve.

To end the facial pain, the needle was used to pinpoint live nerve strands and crush them. Surges of torturous electricity were felt before the surgeon crushed the nerve strands.

Desperate to escape the pain, my silent cries ascended to God. I begged God to get me out of my body.

His Endearing Eyes and Smile

In my mind’s eye I saw a vision of Yeshua on a throne. He had an endearing smile and a happy countenance which drew my focus onto His face instead of the pain.

As He looked at me I understood that I am the reason He is smiling.

I am the joy set before Him. His palpable desire for me caused my inner man to know that His delight was and is in me.

The allurement of His clear eyes kept my focus and compelled me to fix my eyes on His undeviating gaze.

Enticing and captivating me, He caught me up in His Presence which surrounded me as I laid awake on the surgery table.

The attraction of His magnetic eyes drew my attention away from the pain. He settled my soul and changed an overwhelming anxiety into an incomprehensible quietness of soul that enabled me to see and hear Him.

He gave me a peace that surpassed understanding.

Trusting His Authority

Somehow He was communicating verbally to me but without speaking or moving His lips. I know this sounds strange, but by looking at Him, He would let me perceive His thoughts.

I knew He wanted me to read what was written on the right sleeve of His robe. On His right arm was written, “King of Kings.”

After reading His arm, the revelation of His authority over me strengthened my spirit and gave me peace. He was in control of my life, the nations and all the burdens I had been carrying in intercession, particularly my burden for Jerusalem.

As I uttered in my spirit, “I trust You,” a heaviness was removed as I cast my cares upon Him.

You Are Good

With tears streaming from my eyes, three words arose within me. I groaned from a depth inside that I had not known before, and I silently exclaimed, “You are good. You are good. You are good!”

I was making intercession by sounding the eternal battle cry, “For the Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.”

Deep was crying out to deep as His waves and billows were crashing over me. Even though I could not comprehend why God was waiting to end the pain, from the depths of me all I could say was, “You are good. You are good. You are good!”

My spirit fought and refused to declare anything less than the truth of Who He is.

He is good.

Surrender To His Crown

With His eyes He then drew me to look at His crown. Distracted by the surgeon crushing my nerve, I lost my focus.

Yeshua allured me to Himself again and kept my attention on Him by having me look at His crown and His smiling face. When I looked at His crown I knew He was in control and had authority over my situation.

Yeshua knew I was on the surgery table and the amount of pain I was in. He was more than capable of delivering me from the pain. My spirit responded to Him, “If You are ok with this [the surgery], then I’m ok with it, too.”

I felt my shoulders relax and drop in total surrender.

He then approached me as I was lying on the surgery table. He was in the appearance of a man dressed in clothes like we would wear; He was without a robe and the heavenly glory as before. He embraced me, and I felt safe within the arms of my Beloved God.

He began to stroke my hair and show His compassion for me. He was my Psalm 23 good Shepherd Who causes me to lie down in green pastures and beside still waters.

With His kindness He was restoring my soul. His compassions did not conjure up feelings of self-pity within me; I only felt loved.

Laughing God

Yeshua then began laughing so much so that He threw His head backward with laughter.

I could not believe He was laughing while I was having surgery. In my spirit I said to Him, “If I were in Your shoes, I would not be laughing.”

I expected Him to hold my hand and weep with me, and here He was laughing hysterically. But the more He laughed the more I became giddy inside.

He was catching me up in His joyful smile, keeping my attention, and causing the heaviness and despair to lift from me.

I wondered if my surgeon could see a smile on my face.

Faithful to Allure Me

The top branch of the nerve was particularly painful. I felt shocks of electricity on my forehead, my eyelid, and down my nose. The progression of the surgery was easily felt throughout the surgery.

At times the pain or the doctors’ conversations distracted me from the vision of Yeshua, but each time I became distracted, Yeshua faithfully allured me back to Himself with His eyes.

As soon as my eyes would lock eyes with His again, I would again know all is ok.

It was not always easy to get my attention or calm me, but He fought for my attention over and over again. He never failed to return me to serenity of spirit.

It was like He was grabbing my chin and turning my eyes back to Him so that I was not thinking about the surgeon’s conversations or the pain.

Glorious Father

Yeshua then took me by the arm and escorted me back to the throne room, but this time He was my escort to the Father.

Tears began falling as I beheld the Father, my Abba, in all His glory. He appeared as the brightest, clearest, most brilliant light.

Abba’s Being was like a churning cloud of sparkling, liquid gold Who remained seated on His throne. I knew the movement of this cloud meant that He was ever creating.

He is radiant, magnificent, and shining brighter than the sun. He is the true essence of beauty and glory. He is transcendent, preeminent, magnificent, divine.

He is The Sublime Being that is excelling the higher than what is possible to imagine. There is none like Him.

Sparkling Diamond

Seeing Him, I was surprisingly unafraid. I naturally postured my heart as “Daddy’s girl” and saw Him through the eyes of a child. “Sparkles” were all over Him; the little girl inside of me loved His sparkles.

He was like jasper diamonds that sparkled all over. It looked like He was the diamond, reflecting rainbows of color from His being. He was remarkably beautiful and strikingly bright.

Like A Child

With the joy and confidence of a secure child my spirit said, “Can I see the sardius stones and the emerald rainbow?” Suddenly fire lit up around His throne.

My spirit said, “It’s like in the book of Daniel!” [In the book of Daniel His throne is pictured as a throne on fire with a river of fire flowing forth from it.]

I thought of Song of Songs 8:6-7, “It [Love] burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.“

In my heart I was clapping at the magnificent display of His glory. I began to sing the chorus of New Life Worship’s song “Here in Your Presence” over and over again, “Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way.”

Lamb of God

Yeshua then caught my eye. He was on the throne at the right hand of the Father, except now all His muscles were exposed and torn. “His appearance was marred more than any man, and His form more than the sons of men.” Isaiah 52:14

I began singing a second chorus, “Worthy is the Lamb.” Somehow I was singing two choruses at the same time, “Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way” and “Worthy is the Lamb.”

I wondered in amazement at the newfound ability of singing two songs at the same time.

As I gazed on Yeshua’s torn body my spirit said, “You WERE marred more than any man and by Your stripes I AM healed.” At the sight of Him, a tangible faith for healing arose in me.

A scripture came to mind, “Let us therefore come boldly before the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace in an hour of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

The throne was before me. It only made sense to come boldly before Him and ask for what I needed.

As I stood before the Father’s throne, I had a supernatural faith, a “knowing full-well” that healing would be given.

My spirit said, “My God, I come boldly before Your throne of grace to obtain mercy and find grace in an hour of need, and I ask You, ‘Heal my body!’”

Comfort My People

Then Yeshua stood before me in regular clothes and for the first time He spoke audibly to me as He held my hands, “Comfort, comfort My people.”

In every way that I had been comforted by Him I was now commissioned to comfort others.

After this the surgeon tells me that the surgery is over. Yeshua had carried me through the whole surgery. Coming out of the surgery room, my friends came to me and said they prayed Yeshua would sustain me by appearing to me during the surgery.

I Will Heal You

A Jewish sister in Jerusalem sent me the scripture, “I have heard your prayer and I have seen your tears. Surely I will heal you.” II Kings 20:5

He heard my prayer when I came boldly before His throne. Since the 8th surgery, I rarely feel electricity in my face. I am significantly improved and, yet, waiting for the fullness.